What is wrong with my brain?

28 July, 2010

I don’t know what’s going on.

I feel perfectly sane and normal, yet I sense insanity looming on the horizon.

I feel totally in control of my life, yet at the same time I feel completely hopeless without direction.

I feel at the verge of the discovery of wonderful freedom, yet I also feel myself slipping beneath the waves of mediocrity.

I feel like I’m almost at my destination yet at the same time I feel like I’ve just left the starting line.

I want more out of life yet I don’t seem to be making any progress.


I’m very happy with my life and my current situation but I’m still on a journey with much to learn and discover. I’ve bandied some ideas around but honestly I just don’t know what comes next. Everything leading up to this was more or less obvious. Beyond that … it’s like stepping off into the darkness and free-falling into I-have-no-idea-what.

I would like a brain transplant please before my brain explodes and makes a mess on the inside of my skull.

Thanks for watching.


  1. I was listening to music today at work and it dawned on me that I might find my answer in music. My relationship with music has faded over the past few years, replaced by other priorities and a belief that I’ve moved on from that phase in my life … but it’s not that simple. Listening to and performing music is obviously a part of me that I’ve under-appreciated. Music makes me feel more honest, more whole, more alive. This is what I’m searching for. Music is the conduit to that togetherness that has left me.

    Well – that’s my latest theory anyway.

  2. Basically what I’m saying is there’s like two channels, two river currents, the slow boring one and the one that sweeps you off your feet. I’m missing a crucial element of living and creative expression is my conduit to the fast lane – although that’s possibly a bad metaphor because I see it more as the laid-back, enjoying life lane.

    Am I making sense yet? I feel like I’m getting somewhere …

  3. I’m not saying listening to and playing more music or getting back into a band is going to solve my problem.

    What I’m saying is that if I try and regiment music practice or production time it’s the opposite of what I’m actually trying to pursue. I don’t want more rigour and structure in my life. I want less. I want more chaos but not of the destructive kind. I want more creativity and to feel things, to be moved, to be creative … not a biological robot. Do what I feel, not what I think is expected. That’s how I grew up. This is Nat 2.0 – I don’t do that shit any more. I want to live damnit!

    Maybe I finished my counselling sessions with my psychologist prematurely …

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